So, we were on our way to Eldar controlled territory. Our mission: bring back the stranded Eldar crew with the remains of their ship, and get paid. Sounds simple? Well, it ain’t. The preparations went well enough and the security was ready for anything. As we got closer, we were greeted with arrogance. Eldars were showing off, probably using illusions to seem greater in numbers. Still, even this amount of Eldars this close to human space is a good cause to worry — they are up to something. I will find out their plot.

With the greetings and overly elaborate pleasantries out of the way, the time had come to negotiate for our well earned pay — the Eldar crew got here without harm, as I managed to resist the urge to torture them.

A blind man, an evil Elf and a stupid Orc went to the negotiations. No, it’s not a start of a joke. I can only guess that the captains plan was to surprise the Eldars, and indeed it did. The Orc was heading the negotiations, as the Eldars were ignoring me and the blind man was mostly out and smoking. Needless to say, the negotiations didn’t go well, not the Orcs fault, since he knows no better… Not only did we NOT receive anything of value, but the Orc even had to help Eldars contain their Orc prison problem, which he did, and we were tasked to take the Orcs and their wreck of a vessel from the Eldars hands. Oh, at least the Orc got hands on one of the flip-belts for me. It seems I may have overestimated the humans and their skills.

Not only that, but the Elves were even allowed to leave a team of spies on our ship. We will have to watch their every move. I will have to make the best out of this, maybe they can provide some useful intel. Their leader seems more reasonable than the rest of the Eldar bunch, so I’ll have a talk with him.

Before leaving the Eldars, we got an audience with their high commander. I advised the captain not to include me in the detail, to no avail. I’m surprised they didn’t kill me. Although, they did try to get into my head and put a spy on me. I suppose I wouldn’t have survived without my little friend. Also, Macharius managed to remove the psychic spy, I owe him a favour.

Lets see if Dark Eldars prove more profitable…

Lets try that again, without feeling:
- We got money for the ore: 1 billion thrones each.
- We paid of debt to the old captain: We each have 999.998.000 thrones left.
- Following a lead Stier secured earlier, we got a hold of genetic material to trick
a gene lock belonging to a famed rogue trader family (The nickles). This included assuring a local kingpin that survival was better than trying to get more money. Hilarity ensued.
- Pure game-time’y, we used that genetic material to refit the cleopatra, buy ordinances and great food for the crew, as well as tanks for my men. Morale was boosted, particularly mine.
- Finally we used the genetic material to receive a psychic stone from a “Friend of the family”. Lord Captain became Captain Bob for this venture.
- Having received the stone we got ambushed by 7 men and a bird (Psychic familiar). They where liquidated, but the bird touched the stone, so now some powerful psycher knows what’s imprinted in it.
- We quickly left Footfall, chasing after another Rogue trader, assumed to have our information. The stone contained the location of an artifact which in turn would give us the location of “The splendid Rose”, a legendary Rogue Tarder vessel.
- While informing the Eldar of our detour, the Lord Captain requested their help fixing the Eldar artifact in our hull, ensuring quicker travel time. The Eldar agreed, and insisted on being put to use, including having their navigator on the bridge, and their medical staff in the med-bay.
- The orcs numbers are increasing again. Thargül initiates brawls to keep population down. The result is much harder Orcs. Also, the bastards find two of my tanks and starts “making em bettah”. In a level-headed rebuttal, I ready 3000 troops, a few tanks and my orc infantry and prepare to trounce all the orcs in sight. The captain tells us to play nice.
- With the relic now operational, we arrived at our destination a full week before our competition. The system before us seemed ravaged and dead, except for a dome-like structure plastered with High-Gothic and alien symbols.
The structure turned out to be an interactive star map, working in four dimensions(The fourth being time, from the big bang up until present). We do not know to which degree it is accurate, but the Cleos aproach seems to fit.
-The Rose was seen hitting an ice-planet/planetoid roughly 50 years ago. That seems to be the obvious next target for us. We are not able to blow up the map, and must leave it operational for our competition to find.
Warning: The story that follows is Darius’s tale of what happened. Its long. A lot happened.
Two months flew by on Footfall. Phutphall as the megalomaniac calls it. It should be said, that he’s less dreamy and more hands on these days. I even saw him take out a guy with a bolter. He might be crazy, but he’s got some serious balls that one. Darius sat back on his command chair, freshly acquisitioned on footfall. The Andies sat around him, smoking their cigars. Time for a recap for the troops.
I’m circumventing the proper order of events here, I do apologize.
We landed on footfall, and the dainty bugger managed to get us a sweet deal on the ore. We got “One billion crowns” each. BLIMEY! That’s a lot of tanks, so I was all ready to shop it up, when the upshot comes around decreeing that
1. I should pay D.E.M.s debt to the old Captain (Which is fair. He did get the Paper Planes their jet packs after all), and
2. Before anyone does any shopping, we’ve got to follow up on a lead the ace pilot managed to scrounge up some time before I was in the inner circle of “Weird”.
So of we go. Me wearing my inconspicuous carapace armor, and the Ork towering his natural self above anyone who dared look at him. “Cognito” the Upshot called it. Bugger be mad crazy if he doesn’t think we were spotted a mile away.
So we get to this seedy part of town. Real friendly like, with bouncers carrying ordinance with cute 9mm bullets and hardly any armor. I saw several people with their hands resting on their guns, trying to look intimidating like. After a short wait, we were led into what I can only describe as “The throne room of shit-pile” to meet the king of the dump. He proceeds to sell the captain a box containing what I can only describe as one unmentionable made of human flesh, and some guys phlegm, telling us “Faeries live in a magic castle, and this shit will get you mad thrones!”.
After showing us the goods, he starts talking about how we, being of “Newfound wealth”, might be inclined to pay some extra for the golden opportunity of wearing a rubber made from human skin. Well, that’s just not right! Who does this “Lord of ass” think he is? Knowing our business, and telling us what’s what? So I ask him again all polite like to reconsider having his nose all up our buttholes, and quoting us a fair price for a flake of skin and some spittle he got of a whore? (I might have drawn my bolters on him, but that was purely on accident. I swear I heard a little bit of poo come out of him when he saw them). Anyway, he wanted 10.000, extra, and as the honorable gentleman that I am, I gave him 11.000,-. Nobody can come here and say that Darius isn’t an honorable trader! Feching Altruist I am. Altruist Carl! “Good hearted” you dumb bastard!
Now! Time for the A-qui-sitions! But no. The Upshot decides that the smart thing to do is to put on the rubber made of human skin on his hand, put the glob of phlegm in his mouth, and start calling himself Bob. Bob.. Nickleback I believe. Evidently he had a plan that was “Ded sneaky”; to pretend to be Bob of the Nickleback dynasty, and acquire something from an old git called Oblivious. No, OBLIVIOUS Carl! God you’re daft. But before we went ahead with the big plan, we decided to do all repairs on the Cleo, fill her hulls with chocolate and wine and get me all the tanks, cannons and Chimeras I wanted on Bob’s bill. It worked a charm I tell you. (Raises glass) “To the Nicklebacks!”
So, anyway, we get all dressed up for the big show. Everyone’s remembering to call the Upshot Bob. The Orc had made the captain a new hat from the best quality greenskin leather. The bloody thing was about a meter tall and one and a half wide. He looked a right tosser! It was fantastic. We’ve got to buy him some bigger hats as soon as possible!
We got to the old geezers residence, and the whole exchange went smoothly. One minute we aint got no faintly glowing box with a dark rock in it, and the next minute we have got a faintly glowing box with a dark rock in it. Go team Bob!
However, we were attacked! Viciously assaulted! Grievously wounded! I dare say AMBUSHED!
Well, in truth a big bird tried to steal the rock, and I made chicken-paste out of it. Then these seven idiots tried to shoot at us with Autoguns. Me and that elf thing managed to take most of them out, with the captain taking one guys eye out with a bolter blast at long range. The only injury was the Orc stepping on a grenade (Hir hir hir).
The rock turned out to be some kind of psychic map, and that Macarius guy got all excited. Evidently it showed the way to the legendary ship called the “Splendid Rose”. Some of the men who have been around the block a few times tell tales of a ship filled to the brim with riches, and stocked on all sides with great big guns! This fits right well with the Upshots grandeur plans, and soon “Bob” the pirat.. Honorable Rogue Trader was of chasing the elusive Splendid Rose
Unbeknownst to us, those honorless bastards who tried to steal what we’d rightfully stolen where in cahoots with another pira.. Rogue Trader who also wanted a shot at The Rose. Somehow his she-witch (the Macarius kind, not the.. well.. the scary elf-witch kind) had figured out the location of the rose as soon as that big chicken touched the stone, and he was a full day ahead of us out of Footfall. Luckily, the rather more attractive, but still xenos scum elves we’ve got held up in loading area 138 B turned out to be a friendly lot, and helped us fix that strange crystal thing in the hold we got to see the other day. I don’t quite understand what it is, but evidently they wanted to be “Usefull” to us. I tell you what Carl, if I get a chance on some xenos Andy to take your place, you’re out of here in a heartbeat! Those guys are deadly! And.. Oddly attractive… Shut up Carl!
Also, the orcs are restless again. There’s far too many of them about, and they are starting to stink up the place! The Upshot gave Thargül direct orders to keep the population down. He tried his best with cleaning up the place, and slapping some of the smaller ones around, but eventually they ended up having a daily brawl. The results were fewer orcs, but the ones we’ve got walking around now are damn near scary! Some of them look even uglier than you Carl! And in the middle of this, some of the bastards got a hold of two of our Leman Russ Tanks! Shiny, box-fresh, only used a few hundred times Leman Russes, in the hands of those green skinned bastards! Reports say they still haven’t been able to get the red paint of!
I responded level-headedly, and had the elites and Paper Planes(Jet-pack infantry), along with our Bruizer squadron (which consists of mostly.. well.. all orcs, but seemed happy to fight their own if given the order), as well as a few dozen tank and the artillery section get ready! We were ready to blast open the doors to that big green meanies manufacturing plant and show them what for when the captain intervened. He made Thargül give my tanks back and say he was sorry! Then he asked me politely if I wouldn’t mind if Thargüls boys upgraded a few of my tanks for me. Only as a loan! Reluctantly I agreed, and lent him two Colosus mobile canons, four thunder siege tanks and ten leman russes. Only under the promise that there would be more dakka on them when I got them back.
We finally arrived at the destination a full day before this other Trader. Made fall on some deserted sun-storm ridden planet with only one ominous looking building on it. Turns out to be some sort of “Legendary star-map” It even had recordings of the Cleopatra’s arrival, in full 3d even without those silly goggles! Thargül had some sort of connection to the thing, and we got a good read on where the Rose ended up.
So! That’s where we are! The rose within reach, and some pirate with a right powerful witch on our ass. We’ve got interesting times ahead boys! Like a midget at a urinal, we’ve got to keep on our toes!